DIARY ENTRY: 24 August 2010

Oefen? Mr V rook? Drink? Eet?

By Dr S.

So begin nr. 2. Sukkel om die sigs neer te sit. My vel is ietsie kleins om oor bekommerd te wees. Mr. V baie stil vanaand, ek haat dit as hy so huis toe kom. Het gevra wat fout is, maar niks. Voel altyd of hy vir my kwaad is. Ek’s vandag baie dankbaar dat my pa nog leef en gesond is, kry vir Olivia baie jammer. En ek het weer vandag besef dat ek ‘n baie goeie man het en dit moet ek waardeer. Hy is my silent steun pilaar.

Bid vanaand vir:

- Olivia se pa se gesondheid

- Seen my huwelik en my man, familie en vriende.

So, today I start treatment nr. 2 . Pitched up at the doctor with a slight headache from all the drama the previous night. Eyes a bit swollen from crying. And my mood a bit gloomy. After a very much needed hug and some encouraging words, we started the whole cycle all over again.

Today I promised myself I will not go into this without all the knowledge I can gather.

I went to the library, read all the books on falling pregnant and which foods will assist, what to do and what not to do. What to eat/drink and what not. I have all the information, my ammunition, now I will tackle this with both hands, head on. I’m ready!!!!

A Dark 24 August 2010

Today I’m on my way to work in mossel Bay and as I stop at my client and get back to my car, I see it. A massive screw is stuck in my wheel and well, about R1 000.00 later, I had to replace the tyre. Now this might seem like a small event, but when on hormones and counting the days until 2 weeks to find out if you’re pregnant, a small incident like this, can crack you.

From Tiger Wheel and Tyre, after a much needed strong, sweet cup of Rooibos, I moved on to my next client. When I arrived and visited the bathroom, my worst nightmare came true. Obviously, with discovering that I have just started my period, I knew, this didn’t work. Trying to keep a straight face and trying to do my job, while, on the inside, wanting to break down.

When reaching the office later that day, I had to share my new discovery. If it is so difficult to tell my much loved colleagues, how am I going to be able to tell my husband? Will he think that this was my fault? I battled to stay focused the rest of day, fuck this, I’m going home. Got home, but hubby wasn’t there, I cannot be alone. Got to my parents house and they have guests. But the great thing of having a wonderful mother like I have is this, as soon as I walked in and she saw the look on my face, she knew, something is seriously wrong. And before I could say anything, I burst out into tears. Thinking back now, her guest must have thought “what the hell?”

After another cup of strong, sweet tea, I gather what I had left and went to share this news with hubby. To be honest, a little bit afraid of what might be said. As I walked in he could obviously notice by my very red eyes that something is wrong. After breaking the news and having a couple of his cigarettes, he just said, and then we will do it again.

That night I did what I could to make myself feel better.............chocolates, coffee, cigarettes, whatever we had at home, I used it. Went to bed, wrote the following in my dairy, prayed to God, picked up my courage and strength that I had left and went for round nr. 2 the next morning.

DAIRY ENTRY:

So, try nr 1 het nie gewerk nie. Nie meer so hartseer nie, ogies moeg en branderig, maar okay. Nou weet ek waarvoor om myself in te laat. Baie vrae om more te vra. Ewe skielik is die tyre incident nie meer so ‘n groot issue nie. Die Here het vir my ‘n pad. Hy het my geken nog voordat ek gebore was. Hy sal vir my en Vallie gee wat ons toe kom. Daar is soveel om voor dankbaar te wees. In plaas van 5 gesmuchde naels, het ek vanaand net 2. Ek wil weer begin oefen, beter voel oor myself, om sexy te lyk in my nuwe jeans.

Here dankie:

- ‘n Wonderlike man

- Ondersteunende ouers en Nicky

- My tak het vandag gekook, 10 kwotasies gedoen

LIEFDE!! HOOP!!!

10 August - First Insemination

This morning at 10:00 I will be going for my very first insemination. Emotions are running high, but we’re confident. Every couple/woman silently hopes and believes that the first one will be THE only one.

So, with anticipation, I placed the cup for Mr. V’s disposal next to the bed. And awaited at my dad’s place and waited for the phone call: “It’s ready!” With this small cup placed between my legs, trying to keep it warm, I drove from our farm about 20 kilometres from the Pathologists, dodging people, other cars and all this at around 8 in the morning. School traffic and all.

Surviving the traffic and not killing anyone on my way, I reached Ampath. Dropped of the sample and waited for the phone call, which will reach me within about one hour.

Phone rang: and sample was ready for collection. Went to pick the sample up and received a long tube, when I left a small pot? But anyway, pushed the tube under my arm, to stay warm, and drove like a devil’s child to the gynaecologist’s offices. Got there, waited, went flat on my back and the small, perfect sperm was released into my well oiled and very much drugged up uterus.

Now, the waiting game waits...............................

The funny thing after this whole rushed experience is the fact that I walked out of that office feeling that I was supposed to sow my legs together, just in case something though about escaping. I felt like the everyone was looking at me and knew what had happened that day. That afternoon I flew to Johannesburg for business and I was treated like a porcelain doll, not only by my colleagues, but also by myself.

If only I knew.............................................

The Schedule

The Schedule looked something like this:
23 August 2010 till 19 September 2011

Day 1	Day 2	Day 3 Fertomid Menopur 16:00-18:00	Day 4 Fertomid	Day 5 Fertomid Menopur 16:00-18:00	Day 6 Fertomid	Day 7 Fertomid Menopur 16:00-18:00
Day 8	Day 9 Menopur 16:00-18:00 Progynova	Day 10 Progynova	Day 11 Progynova Dr Shuda Last sex day	Day 12 Progynova	Day 13 Progynova Insemination	Day 14 Progynova
Day 15 Progynova	Day 16 Progynova	Day 17 Progynova	Day 18 Progynova	Day 19 Progynova	Day 20 Progynova	Day 21 Progynova
Day 22 Progynova	Day 23 Progynova	Day 24 Progynova	Day 25 Progynova	Day 26 Progynova	Day 27 Progynova	Day 28 Progynova

EXPLANATION:

- The 16:00 -18:00, was the time I was to inject myself into my stomach. Every other second day.

- Please note that I have also shown on which was the last day of my cycle we were allowed to still have sex. It wasn’t easy doing to such a tight schedule and then still trying to be spontaneous about it.

- Day 11 was the day the day I gone for a check up to see if I have produced any eggs. And if it will be possible to do the insemination and if everything is still working according to plan.

- Day 13 was THE day. Hubby had to produce the healthy sperm and it was planted in.

What a support system

A support system, and you think when I talk about support, it’s the kind of support the Springboks get while playing against Australia. No, this is the kind of support that will chaperone the kids around when you are engaged. Or the kinds that will come during thunder and hard rains and try to settle a sick child. The people that will not think twice as to lie next to your side when you are emotionally drown. When trying to take care of 3 little newborn babies, keeping a marriage together, trying to go to work and begging for a social life, allot of things, for yourself, as mother, gets lots and forgotten. Even the basic need to eat is seen as a luxury. Never mind the washing or even the dishes. I remember very specific days/weekends when I was totally at the end of the road. Didn’t know where to turn or how to get where I was going. When babies fall sick, you as new mother want to know exactly what’s wrong and how to fix it. The main problem, being, of course, that you do not have clue, not because you’re incompetent, but just because it’s NEW. How are you supposed to know? And it’s okay not to know?

So, with this in mind. There is certain people that I would like to thank from the bottom of my heart. I know that I wouldn’t be able to do allot of this if it wasn’t for your SUPPORT, LOVE, UNDERSTANDMENT.

My brother and sister-in-law. Thank you for being such great people and everything that you have to for me. From the support that we have received when deciding to go through with the insemination until now. As well as the times that I know, my hubby needed advice or a shoulder. Thank you so much.

My mothers...............were to begin. I will definitely not be able to be the mother I am trying to be today, if it wasn’t for you being such a GREAT mother to me. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! You’ve held my hand during insemination, was there to witness the birth of you first born girls and helped me to shape them until today. I’m afraid to say, that I might have been insane if it wasn’t for you being my rock/my hard place. Thank you for always being willing to help, feed, bottle, burp, and make sandwiches, whatever I needed.

To my darling sister and brother-n-law, I have a very peaceful feeling within myself, knowing that the 2 of you will be the other direction arrows in my children’s lives. I love you both with my whole heart. And thank you for always being such an encouragement and great parents to your own child. Thank you for being such a great example in parents.

Dad, thank you for being my foundation. Always very eager to give a well deserved hug. I love you!!!

Then to my work colleagues and friends. Thank you for feeling sorry for me when I needed it. For giving advice when I had a hard time. For sharing a glass of wine or cup of coffee with me. Thank you so much. I know some of you will not even remember that moment, but there is a memorable moment with every friend that is cherished close to my heart.

First Treatment

Date: 30 July 2010

Time: 8:45

Where: Gynaecologist offices

On this Friday morning, with mixed feelings hanging over my head, motion sickness, anxiety, excitement, we started another new journey.

I walked into the office, not knowing what to expect. Thinking back now, I think my heart was pounding so hard, it might have caused an earthquake. Obviously the doctor wasn't as nervous as I was, so one of us was thinking clearly. (Thank goodness)

After receiving the news that we will not conceive naturally and that we will have to do insemination and receiving all the steps, a list of meds, when to take them, how to take them, a schedule, a price list and allot of confusion I stepped out of the doctor’s office. It felt to me I had to take on the world with all this news that I have just received. I know some people went through more difficulties and much more disappointments, but at the end of the day, no woman/couple wants to go through something like this. Every woman would like to life their fantasy, the big, white wedding. Having great sex with the man that she loves. Pee on a stick, and wham bam you’re pregnant and the whole world loves you and everything is just peaches and roses. Well, we discovered that this is not the case. And you should be a fool if you think this is how it works. Maybe, for some couples, but not for us. At least, now I know that all is worth the wait, money, etc, etc. But then you had no freaking clue. And who do you talk to, because only so many people truly understand.

So, with a prescription as long as my arm I went into the world. Paid R1000.00 for 4 injections and totally understand how it must feel to be a junky. Injecting certain times of the day, only certain days, in all sorts of different places, in my stomach, in the bathroom of a restaurant. (Getting my fix)

Then still popping different pills any other day. It was hard work and allot of calculation to get this cycle on track and then of course keeping it on track.

And with every injection, almost internally freaking out, because, what if I’m doing it wrong? How should I know what the right way?

Just so much confusion. And fucking scared.

While doing the meds and injections and going for regular check up to see if everything is on track, like is the eggs available, etc, etc. I tried also to keep my body as clean as possible, call it a green house if you dare.

There’s allot to keep in mind when building the puzzle when conceiving, obviously you need one healthy, perfectly round egg and one perfectly shaped sperm, with head and tail. After the fastest, fittest sperm wins, he still needs to meet up with the egg. Then the sperm needs to break the very protective barrier around the egg, enter the egg and voila you have a fertilized egg. But that is still only the beginning. That fertilized egg still needs to attach itself to the uterus wall, which in the mean while has been thickening itself to welcome this egg. Now, of every piece of this puzzle there is some sort of pill to pop. And then another to keep the uterus wall thick, you pop some more. Cherry on the cake, this is only about 3 days of the whole 21 day cycle. So there is more popping before this process and some more popping after this process. Just to reach the end of this process and find out that the corner piece of the puzzle is missing and you need to rebuild the whole fucking puzzle again. So, I hope you get the idea.

My rock, my Love!

After having my heart broken a couple of times and every time thinking: "this is the one".............Mr V fell into my life.

I have to declare that we have had our fair share of shit that life has to give, financial difficulties, sadness, death, etc, etc. But we have also enjoyed the great things that life has to offer and God gave to us, like each other.

I can say without any hesitation in my heart or mind, that my hubby loves me with his whole being. Even when I was pumped up on hormones and giving him loads of grief. Or the times when I wasn't pumped up on hormones and STILL giving him grief. And, of course, the times I was balling my eyes out, looking like a racoon, with my not-so-waterproof mascara running down my face. (Please note, this is how real woman look like when they cry and not like Julia Robert in Notting Hill.)

I will not be able to do what I do or be the person I am today if it wasn't for the understanding, support and love from my wonderfull husband.

My only wish is this: That my girls will find themselfs, standing next to their life partners, one day, thinking this man is as great as my father.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!